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no title; it really doesn’t matter

September 28, 2013

Months since I have written and this, I already know, will be nothing but whiny gibberish, but I don’t care.

I feel like my world is spiralling.  Like all I have been working so hard for is not available to me.  It’s small and stupid and I am too embarrassed to even attempt to explain it as it’s that unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but that hasn’t stopped my (over?) reaction.

I miss the floor.  Sitting is energy I don’t have.  Tears have drained me, yet continue in regular intervals.

It’s all fallen apart.

I am not good enough.

I am not wanted.

I feel this is only partially deserved.

Nonetheless, my aspirations and all I wanted to learn, all the challenges I wanted to face, all I hoped for (but somehow knew I wasn’t getting) – all gone.  No way to change it.  And I don’t know how to deal.

I don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t stop thinking about it.  It’s a never-ending downward descent.

I am so lost and it hurts.

And I can’t escape it, can’t get away from it to deal; not without giving up what I love and that doesn’t feel like an option either.  Outside my family and kit kats, it’s all I have.  It all intertwines and cutting a small part damages everything.

I need help, but there is no help that can be given.

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