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They’re my family and they have to love me, though why they still talk to me is a bit of a mystery.

It started innocently enough with a text to my siblings late last month suggesting that a desk weasel would make a good prezzie for me as I am re-doing my work space and it would be perfect (so long as no one mentions it to Peter).  I can’t say I was surprised when my sister more or less ignored me and moved the conversation in another direction, but what I hadn’t expected was my brother-in-law’s participation. He clearly hasn’t been in the family long enough yet to learn not to engage with me.  I suspect that will soon change.

To be fair, I think my sister may have been baiting him for her own amusement.  She included him in the the group text, then quickly left the conversation after opening with this:

Robin: My house threw up Christmas

Me: Xander (one of my cats) threw up all over my house.  It’s kinda the same right?

Phil: Not really as the house threw up a tree with lights and ornaments, etc. Stockings hung…

Me: Xander made pretty colours too – I mean we do feed him pumpkin. I think it’s unfair to assume he didn’t put the same effort into creating something fantastic and beautiful. You’re clearly being Christmas decorating exclusionary and I think you should apologize. Stop being a cat hater. Xander loves you. Where’s the love Phil, where’s the love?

short time later

Me: Phil, I have just gotten in trouble from Peter for trying to shame you over Xander’s decorative vomiting efforts. As an apology, I am packing up all the sparkly Xander vomit (I added glitter) and sending it to you. You will now have the most amazing Christmas vomit house ever as I am no longer deserving of such things. I hope you can forgive me.

Me: I haven’t run this apology past Peter yet, but I can’t imagine any fault to be found by him as I am giving up so much in my efforts to right my wrong. As he left the room while I was writing this, I can only assume he knew I would do a good job.

Phil: Shall I send that apology and the link to the weasel you want for Christmas to Peter. Think he’ll find it amusing?

Me: Touché

Me: Except I already showed Peter the weasel and told him I asked for it from everybody I know in spite of the warning under the video that says weasels are not good pets and this one is just a rescue – don’t get a weasel. I want a weasel.

Me: As for the apology, I think Peter will not be the least surprised. He knows how super duper generous and giving I am and would expect nothing less.

Phil: Oh, I know… locking up the Crown Royal Apple now. Is there any environmental coal option for your stocking instead.

Me: The only bigger, better apology I can come up with is sending you Xander himself. Then you get ALL the vomit. A Christmas miracle and it’s only November.

Phil: Ok, I’m going to drink all the Crown Apple now.

Me: I’ve never had Crown Apple. It seems kinda rude to drink it all and not even let me try some. I think you may owe me an apology now for your lack of consideration of my thirst. I’ll accept a bottle of crown apple as your sorry. Hey, maybe the apple and the vomit will cross paths on the way to their new homes.

Phil: Maybe. I don’t need the vomit though.

Me: Fine. Since you don’t seem interested in my awesome apology, I will not send you sparkly cat vomit, but in doing so, you acknowledge that not sending you vomit is my apology and I am now forgiven.

Me: You also acknowledge that anything lacking in your Christmas decor is not a reflection of the amazing job I am sure Robin has done, but is because you chose not to complete your holiday cheer with vomit (something I have yet to experience).

1/2 hour later

Me: Hey Phil, Willow just threw up.

Me: Was it just Xander’s vomit you objected to, cause I have another option for you now if you are interested

Remarkably, Phil hasn’t blocked or deleted me from his contacts (a fact which I am grateful for), but I think it’s clear that one of us truly gets the generous spirit of the season more than the other.

At the very least, one of us understands how not to decorate for the holidays properly.

 

 

first i will take your tail

October 15, 2012

There’s nothing like a relaxing sunday morning… or at least that’s what I have heard.  Mine don’t usually seem so calm.  Yesterday morning, for example, began with the usual trek down the hall to put in my contacts.  I am super blind and can’t see my alarm clock without squinting and it’s less than a foot away from my face.

Contacts in, so far so good, only then I looked down and realized I was standing in cat pee.

Yep.

Hadn’t felt it as it had almost dried, but there you go.  Anyhow, I cleaned the floor, cleaned my feet, put the bath mat in the wash and then decided I deserved to sit back for a few minutes and try out this lazy sunday morning thing when on the way to the sofa I stepped in cat vomit.

Two minutes after cleaning that up I stepped in a big wet glob of cat fur ball.

There’s only so much a girl can take before vengeance becomes her one and only thought.

I should have seen this coming

I have to wonder what exactly it is that I have done wrong?

Is this some kind of sicko kitty pay back for taking away their third not-really-a-litter-box litter box.

Well, I have decided that for every one of their evil shenanigans, a limb will be removed.  And this will continue until eventually they become mere lumps with heads; potato sack versions of cats; and then I will bring in all my friends and family, (well the ones that don’t like cats that is and who have no sympathy for sad, pathetic looking animals, and who don’t fall prey to giant my-life-is-so-hard puss in boots eyes) and we will all point and laugh and make merry at their expense.

“please help. she’s off her meds again”

“Really, I think this punishment is a little harsh and completely underserved.”

I seriously do love when the cats do their “I have no limbs!” pose.

Though, as cute as it is I really am back to wondering how it is that I am writing two posts in a row involving cat pee.  How has my life come to this?

 

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