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Alternate title ‘why you shouldn’t text me on tattoo day’

Peter: Flipped money into joint account. Will add more when bills are paid tomorrow

Me: So if there’s time left, I can totally get another tattoo. Sweet!

Peter: Um, no

Me: No Peter.  I think you’re wrong.  It is sweet.

Me: I’m now ignoring texts for the rest of the day as I’m quite busy and I suspect they won’t be to my benefit

Me: Unless it’s about what liqueur to buy.  I will acknowledge texts for that.

Me: But only that

Me: I’m using ‘selective vision’ for the rest of the day

One of us clearly needs to get their priorities in order.

IMG_0515-001 (Medium)

for grandpa

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They’re my family and they have to love me, though why they still talk to me is a bit of a mystery.

It started innocently enough with a text to my siblings late last month suggesting that a desk weasel would make a good prezzie for me as I am re-doing my work space and it would be perfect (so long as no one mentions it to Peter).  I can’t say I was surprised when my sister more or less ignored me and moved the conversation in another direction, but what I hadn’t expected was my brother-in-law’s participation. He clearly hasn’t been in the family long enough yet to learn not to engage with me.  I suspect that will soon change.

To be fair, I think my sister may have been baiting him for her own amusement.  She included him in the the group text, then quickly left the conversation after opening with this:

Robin: My house threw up Christmas

Me: Xander (one of my cats) threw up all over my house.  It’s kinda the same right?

Phil: Not really as the house threw up a tree with lights and ornaments, etc. Stockings hung…

Me: Xander made pretty colours too – I mean we do feed him pumpkin. I think it’s unfair to assume he didn’t put the same effort into creating something fantastic and beautiful. You’re clearly being Christmas decorating exclusionary and I think you should apologize. Stop being a cat hater. Xander loves you. Where’s the love Phil, where’s the love?

short time later

Me: Phil, I have just gotten in trouble from Peter for trying to shame you over Xander’s decorative vomiting efforts. As an apology, I am packing up all the sparkly Xander vomit (I added glitter) and sending it to you. You will now have the most amazing Christmas vomit house ever as I am no longer deserving of such things. I hope you can forgive me.

Me: I haven’t run this apology past Peter yet, but I can’t imagine any fault to be found by him as I am giving up so much in my efforts to right my wrong. As he left the room while I was writing this, I can only assume he knew I would do a good job.

Phil: Shall I send that apology and the link to the weasel you want for Christmas to Peter. Think he’ll find it amusing?

Me: Touché

Me: Except I already showed Peter the weasel and told him I asked for it from everybody I know in spite of the warning under the video that says weasels are not good pets and this one is just a rescue – don’t get a weasel. I want a weasel.

Me: As for the apology, I think Peter will not be the least surprised. He knows how super duper generous and giving I am and would expect nothing less.

Phil: Oh, I know… locking up the Crown Royal Apple now. Is there any environmental coal option for your stocking instead.

Me: The only bigger, better apology I can come up with is sending you Xander himself. Then you get ALL the vomit. A Christmas miracle and it’s only November.

Phil: Ok, I’m going to drink all the Crown Apple now.

Me: I’ve never had Crown Apple. It seems kinda rude to drink it all and not even let me try some. I think you may owe me an apology now for your lack of consideration of my thirst. I’ll accept a bottle of crown apple as your sorry. Hey, maybe the apple and the vomit will cross paths on the way to their new homes.

Phil: Maybe. I don’t need the vomit though.

Me: Fine. Since you don’t seem interested in my awesome apology, I will not send you sparkly cat vomit, but in doing so, you acknowledge that not sending you vomit is my apology and I am now forgiven.

Me: You also acknowledge that anything lacking in your Christmas decor is not a reflection of the amazing job I am sure Robin has done, but is because you chose not to complete your holiday cheer with vomit (something I have yet to experience).

1/2 hour later

Me: Hey Phil, Willow just threw up.

Me: Was it just Xander’s vomit you objected to, cause I have another option for you now if you are interested

Remarkably, Phil hasn’t blocked or deleted me from his contacts (a fact which I am grateful for), but I think it’s clear that one of us truly gets the generous spirit of the season more than the other.

At the very least, one of us understands how not to decorate for the holidays properly.

 

 

Peter– Target just announced bankruptcy in Canada. Time to load up on kitty litter

Me– The life we lead is so WILD!

Peter– Fine. I’ll grab some vodka on my way home. Tonight we’ll get drunk and find a pimp to kill

Me– Do we get to keep the whores!?!

Peter– Only if you promise to actually take care of them yourself. I’m not going to be the one feeding them or cleaning up after them

Me– We’re going to need a much bigger litter box!

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